Who are you Dressing for?

You may be someone who has a friend, family member, or partner that has an opinion on how you should dress and what you should wear. The husband asks “Are you really going to wear that?" Or, the friend pulls a face and says as you appear out of the fitting room parading a new dress "umm – not sure". Or, as I experienced a few times recently, a mother tells me of her daughter's unfortunate style in a whispered voice.

In every consultation I have with a client, they end up sharing at least one similar negative experience. Too often, the client may be coming to see me as a result of their husband's jibes and want to find a style that works for him. Opps! In this instance, I use the American time-out signal – a fast intervention is required! Or, I guess back in London I would exclaim loudly “Whaaaaaat”?

There is nothing worse than hearing your close confidants advise you on how they think you should dress or even sneer or comment negatively about your style. After all, they are a friend not foe. Surely, they should be the ones who make you feel extra special?

The first step to dealing with this is to try to understand what it is they are really trying to tell you. It may be that your husband is just afraid that the length of your skirt is drawing too much attention to you but can't quite figure out how to communicate that. Or, that your friend simply believes that the dress is too tight. But, if they can not give you a practical, sane answer, then they may be 'projecting' an ideal of their own on to you. And, this is not healthy, and not fair!

It also will start to get to you. No matter how tough-skinned you are, little digs do get under your skin and you can start to doubt your style and yourself. You may start to develop negative beliefs about yourself and feel self-conscious around others, especially the 'digger'. What you may do next is change the way you look or try to hide or cover up. And now we really know that your self-esteem has been affected.

The second step to dealing with this is to find some standard response that you can say to stop the projection. For example, "oh really – you think that?" This reminds the culprit, in a polite way, that it is only their opinion and not fact, and may jolt them out of their behaviour. Often people are just not thinking! And, it also tells them that you have boundaries. "I am a believer that everyone has their own style" is another good one, especially for those people that are very conservative and think anything out of the box is highly inappropriate.

The third step is to figure out whom you are really dressing for. It is natural to want to present yourself in a positive way for your date, husband, family and friends. Bu, it is not natural to feel like you are required to wear a 'set' attire, a uniform that ultimately makes you acceptable to them. This means that you are dressing for them and not you. You may be completely unaware that you are even doing this. If you feel anxiety over your outfit choice then there is probably a concern there in your mind, a worry that you may not live up to the expectations, not that you hold for yourself, but that the person you are dressing for holds for you.

Whether you are wearing a 'uniform', so to speak, or are feeling self-conscious about how you look, take a step back, look in the mirror and ask yourself if the reflection you see is the real you. One of the stages people get to before they come to see me is they no longer recognise themselves anymore. Their self-image has become too diluted by those around them. If you can't see the real you, then you need to rediscover yourself again and ask yourself, every time you buy an item of clothing, whether you really love it or you feel you have to buy it in order to meet someone else's standards or way of dress. Ultimately, it is the real you that makes you stylish. It is about expressing yourself from the inside out.

This article appeared in Sarah’s column in the Savannah Morning News on May 20th, 2006. Updated July 2009.