Self-Esteem versus Vanity

In fashion and beauty, there is a thin line between having good self-esteem and being vain.

According to many psychologists, however, they are in fact on opposite ends of the spectrum. Good self-esteem simply means positively valuing oneself or having a sense of value or worth; vanity or vain behavior is an attempt to MAKE oneself valuable or good enough.

As psychologist Nathaniel Branden points out in "The Six Pillars of Self Esteem:" "If my aim is to prove I am 'enough,' the project goes on to infinity - because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debatable."

This is what vanity is about - the idea that your worth is debatable.

Fashion and beauty can have a huge impact on our self-esteem. In fact, we use the two to help us express value in our self. However, when the pursuit of fashion and beauty products grows out of control, it can become a source of vain behavior and attitudes. These individuals use fashion and beauty as "proof" of their value; it's as though the vain person is saying, "Look at me. I am wearing Brand X. Look how special I am!" They attempt to use certain brands and labels as a way of securing status and acceptability.

It is very easy to get pulled down "vanity lane." Walking around boutiques and stores and reading the glossy fashion magazines can foster a need to be branded and make you feel inadequate about your own style sense. The idea is to nurture your self-esteem and surround yourself with a lifestyle and media that supports it.

Here are some ideas to foster healthy self-esteem and challenge your thinking:

1. Wake up to your wardrobe

Find something in your wardrobe that is a true expression of you and your style, rather than what you feel you should be according to fashion standards.

Consider: Start the morning adorning yourself with what inspires you, then you will feel inspired about yourself. Buy a full-length mirror. Most people consider looking in the mirror as a "vain" act. But if you have good self-esteem, seeing and admiring yourself in your favorite clothes is reinforcing and positive.

2. Pamper yourself

Nurturing yourself is about giving yourself a treat, caring for your body and rewarding yourself. If you treat yourself like a goddess/god - with, say, a moisturizing body wrap - then you are saying you have healthy self-esteem. If you don't take care of yourself and reward yourself, then you could be saying you aren't worth it.

Consider: A spa retreat - even a day-spa with beauty treatments galore.

3. Discover your body

Change your mind about your body image with a yoga class. Trying out new body techniques allows you to see your body differently, and you will start to feel it come alive in a whole new way.

Consider: Taking a yoga class.

4. Monitor self-talk

It is a well-established fact in psychology that our internal dialogue, or what we say to ourselves about ourselves, has an enormous effect on how we feel about ourselves. You need to learn how to talk to yourself so that you support your self-esteem, rather than undermining yourself and buying into the illusions of vanity.

Consider: Writing down three things you like about yourself. Next time you look in the mirror, say these things to your reflection.

Reading "Self-Esteem Companion" by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, Carole Honeychurch and Catharine Sutker.

5. Volunteer

"Other-esteem" is the necessary and healthy complement to genuine self-esteem. You need to learn to recognize the needs and intrinsic worth of others as well. Helping others can give you a sense of purpose and contribution. You also get to meet and network with a new set of people.

Consider: Finding a way to volunteer in your community. Go to www.volunteermatch.org and type in your zip code.

This article appeared in Sarah’s column in the Savannah Morning News on August 25th, 2006. Updated July 2009.